vivian 18

she needed a hero, so that's what she became

I miss you so much, I do.

I get sick to my stomach every time I think about you and the feelings I have for you. I don’t want to love you, I don’t want to care about you. But it’s not because I hate you.

It’s because I can’t have you. 

It’s because I can’t ever be yours, because you won’t ever be mine. I want to leave, I want to forget everything and all the things I love about you. I want to stop caring about you so immensely.

But I can’t.

Because I realized no matter how hard I try, I will always, truly love you entirely, and genuinely care about you and your well being for as long as you exist.

I wouldn’t mind disappearing for awhile.

i care way too much.

and truth is, you don’t.

I wasn’t an important person to you anyway.

sometimes all the thoughts come at once and i just wish i was good enough for something. 

for anything.

I hate myself for loving you.

i abused substances to drown you out but sober or not i’m the one drowning in thoughts of you

It’s a sad thing when you’ve fallen for someone you can’t have. Seeing them happy with someone else just shreds your heart to pieces. It makes you wonder what the other person has that you don’t and it makes you feel as if you weren’t good enough. It hurts to think what if? What if you could be the one to hold their hand? What if you could be the one to sleep next to them, touch their face, their skin? What if you could be the one to take care of them, to make them smile, to be a reason for their happiness? What if you did have them, but things went wrong? What if you had that chance to start over? Would you? What if you could be that person that they’re with right now? It’s painful and it hurts so god damn much knowing you’re not the one they want to be with. The one they want to share their happiness with. It hurts to see, to watch, to know that someone else was the one they decided to be with. The worst part of it all, is pushing all the feelings you have for them aside, pretending you’re fine, so that you could remain friends. Because that’s the next best thing. Because then at least you could still be a part of their life somehow. Because you’d rather do that then lose someone you hold so close to your heart. Because what can you do anymore, but watch over them and hope that they’re happy? As long as they’re happy, as long as they’re well taken care of, is all that matters. Even if in your heart you know that you’d do anything, go to the ends of the earth, just to see their perfect, genuine smile. To make them genuinely happy. 

It’s shattering, and you can’t do a thing about it.

Do they have what you want? Are they everything you need? Do they care and love you the way that you deserve and more?

Do they love you the way I do?

you were the one, and it was enough

"Come back to me"

I’ll hurt and you’ll heal.

Nothingness is all I feel.

It hurts because I gave love a second chance after swearing that I never would again.

You knew what I’ve been through, but you shattered me anyway. I feel humiliated because I was falling for someone who didn’t want anything to do with me. Your words made me feel inhuman and you made it seem like I was incapable of caring for a human being. I grew up caring about everyone but myself. I cared for everyone, and made sure they were happy, before I even learned how to smile for myself. Because of you, I don’t feel good enough for anyone. I don’t feel good enough for anything. It really hurts.

You weren’t that much of a loss. Don’t think too highly of yourself.

I’m actually very deeply hurt and shattered. I just know how to fake a smile better than most.